Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
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[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I missed you with all my darts
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Well well well…
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.