“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
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GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band