Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
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My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
when nothing goes right… go left
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
A leaf blower, but for people.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I’m already scared
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]