I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
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Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐