*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
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A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.