none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
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I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.