Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
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Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda