Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
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everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
What the hell happened here.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?