ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
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I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.