I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
You Might Also Like
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.