They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
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[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020