My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
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THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
just witnessed a drug deal
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.