creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
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You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight