“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
You Might Also Like
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.