[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
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The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
mom had nothing to worry about
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later