I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
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friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.