Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
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Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.