Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
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When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.