Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again