me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Feel. He’s so soft.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.