If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
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“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.