I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody