MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
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My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs