I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
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[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Thursday
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…