Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
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Lassie, get help!
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Previously On Persistence 😎
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue