whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
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how to have an accident 101
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science