dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
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i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that