*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[eats all your cotton candy]
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.