My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My Sentiments Exactly