After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
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I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
They got a point!
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Everything reminds me of my ex
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
A tragic love story in two pictures.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough