Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
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Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
#NoRestForTheWicked
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*