Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
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Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
How to draw a duck
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!