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if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.