My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
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A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
found my next D&D character name
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
yall want some gasoline milk
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!