She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
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My body is a “wonder what happened” land
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
no one likes gloating