Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
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YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
New mindset, who dis?
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.