HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
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employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Pigeon open mic night.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.