According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
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Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Yep.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for