Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I can’t deal with men any longer
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk