Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
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Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
new wife guy just dropped
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
my mind
You just read my mind
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)