Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
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Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Oh, I bet you would be
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*