United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass