I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
You Might Also Like
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
That stupid look on my face, is my face
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.