[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
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[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.