TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
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And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death