gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
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fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
my mind
You just read my mind
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Otters drive ottermobiles.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.