If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
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I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it