Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.