I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
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*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
This week’s mood.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.