People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
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Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
🤣🤣
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest